The Negotiation Blog

Is your enthusiasm bad for business?  If you’re on the client facing side of things, there’s a good chance that it is.  Take this recent article from sales guru and all around stand up guy Bill Caskey entitled “Too much eagerness.  Bad for clients.  Bad for you” where he pushes back on the myth that being an enthusiastic, eager salesperson helps people close deals.  More often than not, Caskey explains, it’s the cause of more lost deals than won deals.  This, of course, goes against most of what salespeople are taught-  let your passion shine through, convey emotion etc.  So what are we left with?  ”The unenthusiastic salesperson”?  Sounds like a real recipe for success, I know.

But the truth is, times have changed.  Nobody needs or wants the bubbling energy and faux enthusiasm of the smooth talking salesperson of yesteryear.  We’re looking for something different now.  We’re still looking for someone friendly, and knowledgeable, yes.  But above all, we do business with people that are thoroughly committed to helping us solve the problems that matter to us.  And 9 times out of 10, enthusiasm and eagerness do more to derail that process than anything else.

The problem with enthusiasm is that 99% of the time, we’re enthusiastic about the wrong things.  Think about it, when you show up to your clients’ offices to talk about next year’s contract, is your unbridled enthusiasm coming from your uncontrollable urge to help them?  Or, are you really just excited at getting a deal done, about hitting your numbers or placating your angry boss?  Your clients can sense that, and they appreciate it about as much as you like the annoyingly cheerful telemarketer that just interrupted your meal.

So if you’re on the client facing side of your business, stay friendly, for godsakes be sincere, but consider turning the eagerness down a notch.  Take some of that caffeine fueled enthusiasm and channel it towards listening to what’s really going on in your clients’ lives.

Be genuinely enthusiastic about helping them, but never overly eager for their business or a sale.

Ever notice that the harder you try to influence someone, the more closed minded they seem to become?  Realized that as you make better and better arguments, the less willing to listen some people get?  Me too.  And it drives me bananas.

While it may be true that the (insult of choice) sitting across from us is being pig headed, there’s often another reason why they’re shutting us down: We’re more stubborn than we think we are.

Our barrage of persuasive facts and compelling evidence often only serves to show people how certain we are of ourselves, not how great our proposal or idea is.

It’s easier to influence others when you show them you’re open to influence as well.  Talk less, listen more, and ask questions you don’t already know the answers to.

I’ve come to a rather important realization about persuading people:  it’s really freaking hard.

Not only that, when we fail, we tend to fail hard.   Don’t believe me?

Well, how do you feel about the last guy who tried to talk you into buying something you didn’t want?  When was the last time you heard an “elevator pitch” that didn’t make you want to jump out the window?

Despite our repeated failures we believe that persuading or changing others is a necessary part of life, and a core part of business.  But there is something wrong with our concept of persuasion.  There is something deeply troubling that lies behind most of the persuasion theorists’ work and advice.

Take, for example, this excerpt from an article in the BBC today:  “[I] have drawn four universal lessons about how to get people to do things they don’t want to do. This, after all, is what management is all about, and jolly difficult it is, too.”

Getting people to do things they don’t want to do is what management is all about???  This is a ludicrous assertion.  I couldn’t believe anyone still really believed that, yet at the time of writing this post the article is the second most read and shared on the BBC.

Contrast it with a very different approach taken from Derek Halpern’s recent blog post where he talks, among other things, about his sales strategy:   “I know changing peoples minds is damn near impossible, so instead of wasting time trying to “change” someone, I go after the people who already like me… and focus on making them happy.”   

Derek, I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Instead of focusing on persuading people who don’t like your idea, your product or company, find people that do and focus on making them happy.

That is what management is all about.

I’m currently redesigning my company’s logo.  After drafting some initial mock-ups on my own last night, I solicited feedback from a group of friends whose opinions I value. Here are some of the messages I received:

“..too derivative.”

“Not keen on any really….”

And my personal favorite:  “Thanks for sending. Honest first thoughts – let’s get you a slick graphic designer. Talk soon.”

To say that this feedback was unhelpful is an understatement.  In fact, as I read it before my coffee, it was utterly demoralizing.  In fact, I found myself somehow blaming my mood on them and even judging them on their “stupid” or “unhelpful” responses.  Hold up.  What was happening here?  How could I feel so totally deflated by the advice of people I really respect, especially when I asked for that advice from them?!  And how did I have the cajones to try to blame it on them?

For one, I hadn’t had my coffee yet.  And two, not all feedback is helpful, even when we’re asking for it.

But here’s a news flash:  only you are responsible for getting the feedback you want.  You can’t just ask for “feedback” or “your thoughts” and somehow expect that people will give you pearls of wisdom.

You need to take control of the process if you want helpful information to come back.  To do this effectively, try starting with a few questions for numero uno (yourself):

Before writing, ask yourself:

1. Why am I asking this person for their feedback?  (Do I want their help to problem solve?  If so, what is the problem I’m trying to solve?  Do I want a devil’s advocate?  Sounding board?  Affirmation or moral support?).

2.  What type of information is likely to be the most helpful for me? (Do I want their general opinion or a detailed analysis?  Suggestions or observations?)

3. Am I likely to resist their feedback in any way?  (Am I emotionally or operationally committed to the way I’m doing things now?  Is there information that I might not want to hear?)

4.  How is their feedback going to be useful to me?  (What actions do I hope to take or avoid based on their input?)

Get clear on those 4 questions before sending out another email asking for feedback.  Then, when drafting the message, share this information up front.  Start your email by telling the reader:

1. Why you are asking for their feedback.
2. What type of information you are looking for.
3. The kind of information you don’t want to hear.
4. How you will use their feedback going forward.

Now, if only I’d thought of that advice before I sent out that email last night, I wouldn’t have needed those extra few cups of coffee to get my day back on track….

Tell me if this sounds familiar:  You’re on vacation, browsing through a Middle Eastern bazaar or Caribbean marketplace.  All of a sudden you somehow find yourself in a hut filled with poorly made trinkets having tea with the shop owner himself.  He asks you where you are from, tells you about his cousins in your home country, even introduces you to family members who have “hand crafted” the goods on display.  You feel stressed.  You know where this is going but are powerless to make it stop.  And before you know it, BAM!  You’re walking home with yet another outrageously priced, Chinese made African mask that you don’t even really want.  If this has never happened to you, you can stop reading now.

For the rest of you, here’s what happened:  You got played.  And here’s the game:  As a shop owner invites you in for tea and asks about your family etc., they are cultivating a type of “relationship debt” with you.   You’ve accepted their invitation to come in, you’ve accepted their free tea or snack, they’ve asked you about your family and yet you have nothing to offer in return.  Strangely, you feel like you owe them something  And, they just happen to have that “something” at a price “just for you”!  In short, you felt bad, got suckered into buying something or paying too much, and now you feel worse.  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

That’s the problem.  So what do you do about it?  Here’s a technique I’ve used to get great deals without feeling the slightest bit of stress, even in the toughest bazaars of Cairo and Istanbul.

1.)   Do your research first.  I set a time limit (usually 30 minutes) when I walk into a bazaar or market where I only allow myself to look at what’s on offer and ask about prices.  I don’t just wonder around aimlessly;  I actively look for things I might like to buy, ask about prices in many different shops and even ask other customers what they paid and where.  But, I never buy during that time, no matter how good the deal, or how insistent the salesperson is.  This gives you two things, a sense of fair market price and a concrete sense of your alternatives, to use when you decide to negotiate for something you like.

2.)   Level the relationship playing field.  Don’t let them build that relationship debt.  Instead, build one with them.  When they pull you into their shop, ask them about their life, their shop, their country etc.  Have tea with them and be generally interested in them, their business and their life.   View the interaction as a social exchange, not a financial one.  When it comes time to negotiate, you (and they) won’t feel like you owe them anything at all.  If anything, it’ll be the reverse.  By doing this I’ve been given tea, snacks and even small gifts at a number of bazaars without buying a single thing, and without feeling pressured at all.

3.)   Express interest in them; admire their products.  If you show interest in any one product, you open the floodgates to haggling.  Devaluing a product you like, on the other hand, is unlikely to fool savvy merchants.  It’ll only ruin the relationship you’ve just built.  Instead, be interested in them, and admire the products on display.  Make sure to highlight the quality of a range of goods, casually inquiring about their price, without showing a particular interest in any one.

4.)   Don’t be afraid to walk away.  If the salesperson’s final offer is worse and/or more expensive than what you saw in your research, for heaven’s sake don’t buy it!  Go back to one of the alternatives you saw in step one and try again.  This time, saying “no, thank you” will be much easier without the “relationship debt”, and if you know exactly what you’re walking away to.

If you are reading this blog, you are (probably) interested in developing your skills in negotiation.  The truth is, though, very few of you will do so just by reading these (or any other blog) posts.  Skill development doesn’t happen overnight.  It’s a (life) long process. And, we need to be a little strategic about how we go about it if we want the insights we come across to translate into behavior change.  Here are 4 things I’ve found helpful for me, personally, and have been helpful for my clients:

1.  Journal.

After every sales meeting I take notes, or journal, charting two simple things:  what worked well and what I want to do differently next time.  Doing this after all types of negotiations and difficult conversations helps you see trends in your behavior allowing you to make tweaks over time.   It takes all of 5 minutes so the return on your time invested is substantial.  Plus, after a couple of months of tracking what works, what doesn’t etc. you’ll have enough material to write a blog (or even a book!) of your own.

2.  Read.

The more blogs, articles and books you read on a subject, the more best practices will start seeping into your subconscious and (slowly) into your negotiation behavior.  I have a fairly exhaustive reading list I give to clients, however as a start, there are 3 books that for me are “must reads”.

• Getting to Yes:  Getting to agreement without giving in (Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton)
• Difficult Conversations:  How to discuss what matters most. (Doug Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen)
• Beyond Reason:  Using emotions as you negotiate  (Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro)

3.  Role-play.

One of the reasons why good training can be so effective is that participants are given the opportunity to practice applying best practices through mock or role-played negotiations.  You can do these on your own.  For free.  Before an important negotiation or difficult conversation, pull a colleague aside for 5 minutes to ask if you can role-play the upcoming conversation.  Practice your opening line, key questions and handling any resistance you might encounter and you’ll be more agile and confident in the real conversation.  I do this with coaching clients on nearly every call and you’d be amazed at the change from the first run to the 3rd or 4th.  Low cost, quick and immediate, visible impact.  Stop winging it and start prepping like a pro.

4.  Study.

If you are really committed to improving your abilities as a negotiator, a formal course of study is the most intensive and can be the most effective means of achieving your goals.  There are a host of 1-2 year Masters degrees, certificate programs, extension courses and academic centers in academia that challenge you to pursue the above 3 and more.  The most well known is, of course, the Program on Negotiation housed in Harvard Law School.  More and more these days, however, I’m hearing of new programs dedicated specifically to the study of negotiation.  I came very close, for example, to doing a Masters in Conflict Resolution at Georgetown University, before deciding on studying negotiation tangentially through the Masters of International Affairs program at Columbia.  Another interesting option is pursuing an online degree such as the Master of Science in Negotiation and Dispute Resolution degree at Creighton University.

A couple of years ago, the Forum Corporation conducted a study of 341 salespeople from 11 different companies in five different industries. Their goal was to determine what separated the best salespeople, from the rest.  The results of the study were somewhat surprising.  The difference between high performing sales reps and average ones boiled down to one trait: honesty.  Forget about knowledge of products, charisma or smooth talking, people choose to buy from people they trust, more than anyone else.

When it comes to negotiation in the sales domain, however, “be honest” is generally not all that helpful as advice.  It’s not clear how or when we should be honest.  Here are 4 easy ways to be honest, build trust and protect yourself at the same time.

1.)  Mention price up front (but don’t negotiate it).

By mentioning price or cost as one of the things you’d like to talk about at the outset, you send a clear message to your prospect that whatever you are talking about is going to involve a financial cost.  By being up front about this, you both build trust with your potential client and frame the interaction as a financial transaction, creating a buying mentality.  It’s important, however, that you don’t get into discussions of exact figures or discounts here as you are unlikely to move beyond the price discussion.

2.)  Ask good questions.

There is no greater way to build trust that to generally be curious about another person and listen to what they have to say.  To do this, you’ll need to ask questions.  Good ones. Unfortunately, far too few people do this effectively.  One reason is that listening takes work and is tough to do off the cuff.  Prepare at least 5-10 good, specific questions before meeting with your prospect.  Some will be your usual diagnostic questions, but others should be very personal to your prospect and their organization.  The purpose of these questions, however, has to be to genuinely understand their needs so you can help them.  It CAN’T be to uncover something you can use to “close them”.

3.)  Speak well of your competition.

Few things arouse more suspicion than a salesperson talking ill of their competitors.  No matter how true what you’re saying is, it’ll be taken with a grain of salt (at best) or create an active distrust (at worst).  Another approach is to mention positive attributes in a way that doesn’t seem attractive to your prospect (for more see the post entitled 4 steps to turn your competitors’ strengths into weaknesses).

4.)  Tell them what they don’t need and why.

3 weeks ago I was in the famous Maxwells Clothiers in Hong Kong, looking into a custom made suit.  After choosing a host of fabric samples, the tailor immediately told me they were “not good” for a person of such a “pale” complexion.  Despite my growing self-consciousness of my pasty white skin, I immediately trusted the tailor and decided right then that I wanted to buy from him.  I did this even though he had talked me out of the only things I’d seen that I wanted to buy!  I left his shop with 5 times the clothes I’d planned on buying and love them all.  Ironically, being honest with your customers about what they shouldn’t buy is one of the most powerful trust building and therefore sales techniques.  Why?  Because it’s a fast way to show that they have your best interests (not simply “a close”) at heart.  NOTE-  This can’t be a tactic.  It has to be genuine.  If you use it to manipulate people to close a deal, they’ll see right through you and trust will be damaged beyond repair (and rightfully so!)